Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Shoe Logic

So, as some of you may know, I believe that you can learn a lot about a person according to their shoes. Judge me all you want, but you're going to start noticing from now on. And it doesn't have to be big, sweeping judgements- just little ones like how comfortable a person likes to be in their work shoes or how tightly strung their tennis-shoe laces are.

As I was scoping out all of the hot commute-home-from-work shoes on the metro yesterday evening, I noticed a pattern. I know that it has always been there, but it just kind of snapped into focus yesterday. And I can't tell if the pattern in our shoes is merely reflective of the differences between men and women, or if it even perpetuates our ingrained notions even further.

What I noticed is this: men's shoes, generally speaking, are designed to look sturdy. Go on, look around the office. The everyman's work shoe of today is probably one of those black shoes with the thicker soles that are squared off at the toes. Even if they're not this EXACT pair- although plenty of them are- they all have one thing in common: they actually look like feet.

I know it sounds nuts, but what woman's shoe is actually shaped like a woman's foot?

And mens shoes are actually largest at the bottom. When a man is standing in his shoes, he looks stable, sturdy, well planted. Do you think that this plays into what we're looking for in a man? We are usually looking for a man who, well I hate to borrow an overused phrase, but has his feet on the ground. Every pair of guy's shoes on the planet makes this easier. The can stand for hours in those Herman Munster's Tuxedo Shoes and look right at home.

Now, lets turn the lens on the ladies. Now I'll preface ALL of this with the fact that I love shoes. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE them. Doesn't matter if they're uncomfortable or too expensive, I friggin love them. Usually, the more ridiculous the better. Hot pank shiny peeptoe stillettos with bows and lace on them? bring it.

But lets use an analytical eye to look at what we put on our feet..

They're ridiculous. And UNNATURAL. What woman has pointy toes? Heels? What a terrible and torturous idea! And it seems as though the prettiest ones are intentionally engineered to be as difficult to balance in as physically possible. Let's take all of our weight and balance it, in perfect, hip-swinging motion, on two little points that are barely bigger than pencil erasers. Awesome. EVERY woman on the planet has been crippled for a day of uncomfortable, but attractive shoes at least once in her life, (and most of us at least once a weekend.) They just seem like bad ideas all around, no matter which way you turn. And yet, we ALL do it.

And now I ask, WTF?!?!? Is this supposed to make us look like skittish does that could just as easily prance away as fall flat on our asses?

Now, I may be confused- but for the whole "thrill of the chase" mentality, shouldn't we at least be worthy opponents who won't topple over after every third step? Or are we supposed to look all wobbly so we need the support of a big stwong man to cawwy us back to the cave because we're weak wittle females??


But then, I sit here and consider the alternative. Comfortable shoes? You are, of course, referring to ugly shoes. Yeah, right.

And so each of us ladies perpetuate the status quo of the genders. Our shoe tastes are like a modern, living art homage to "Ode on a Grecian Urn." We may never get caught, but at least there will always be the chance we might.

And men sit there, looking pretty, in their practical, feet-shaped shoes. Devices that are ACTUALLY designed to be walked in.

Psh. Pansies.

Monday, April 20, 2009

A note to Brit-Brit's lyricist.

So I was watching some Jump Start this morning on VH1, (yeah I know- its still on. Weird, right?) and the video for Brit-Brit's "If You Seek Amy" was on.

First off- trashy. 'Nuff said. Y'all knew that.

Then we get to the lyrics. I have to confess that in spite of myself, I think that the title is pretty witty. Probably not original to the writer, but still witty. When I finally figured it out, about 3 weeks after I heard it for the first time, I giggled quite a lot. (It's super gay that they changed the title to "If you see Amy" for the radio edit, because now it makes even LESS sense, but whatever.) I figured "Yeah Brit-Brit, you tell the public. You pulled the wool over all of our eyes! Now we know you're making a comeback and its going to be a quippy one."

But then I felt betrayed. The song itself is completely stupid. (I know I shouldn't be that shocked/upset over a "Spears Classic", but there you go.) I feel like the lyricist used up any creative juices on the title. Brit-Brit has always overused the "ooh bab-eh, bab-eh" and this song is no exception. At one point, however- this song ACTUALLY has the words "Ha ha hee hee ha ha ho."


**heavy sigh**


I know you're all thinking to other pop MEGASUCCESS stories that used gobbledeegook lyrics too, like "You make me wanna La La" and "The Scatman", but really- Brit-Brit, is this the company you want to keep?

You can do better than that.

Friday, April 17, 2009



I just watched this with my friend/coworker Erin. We both cried. I mean, tears- down the face- cried.


The movie is just going to be so friggin awesome. And this trailer shows all KINDS of new stuff that the teasers didn't. It looks like they are totally stepping up their game. It's going to explore every aspect of the plot from the book to tie it all together- the acting looks amazing, the effects are kickass, and I mean just fppszzzzzzt....


I mean, I got goosebumps like 5 times in the 2 and a half minutes or however long it is.

It made my day. Week. Hell, probably even weekend.

It's days like these that I thank GOD I'm a nerd.

Being the type of person who is too cool to cry in her cube over a 2 minute trailer of a "kids movie"? That just doesn't sound too great.

all of you muggles out there can just bite me- I'm off to dryclean my cloak. You guys are the ones missing out.

Monday, April 6, 2009


with twitter.

Spring Fever has arrived, They called it puppy love, and I have been bitten by the bug and every other euphamism for falling in love.


It is just fast-paced enough for my super-limited attention span! Talk about your INSTANT gratification. Little spurts of adrenaline as a result of instant world-wide publication, and it still satisfies your friend AND celebrity stalking hunger with little snacks throughout the day.


Twitter, where have you been all my life.

In other news, I went to a real gay bar for the first time this weekend. And I have a question. And it DEMANDS asking. IS THAT SERIOUSLY WHERE ALL THE ATTRACTIVE MEN IN DC HAVE BEEN HIDING?!?!!?

I fear that the answer is a deafening and utterly depressing "yes."

so ladies, if you've been wondering- that's where they all are. At a gay bar called "town" on saturday nights for Madonnarama. Sometimes in a dress, sometimes with their shirts off, always not where you're looking.

unless you're me circa Sat night. Then you're just plain looking in all the wrong places.